Some Upcoming Will Ferrell Projects

On the Shoulders of Giants
Washed-up Olympic diver Dex Lester (Ferrell) vowed never to get back into the pool after a final-dive belly flop cost him the 1972 gold medal. Nearly 16 years later, Dex—still sporting his distinctive perm and hilarious walrus mustache—learns he has an illegitimate son. It's none other than Biscuit (Jonah Hill), the pool boy in his run-down apartment complex! Soon, Dex is coaxed back into the water to help Biscuit train for the newest Olympic sport: Chicken Fighting. When he discovers that Biscuit's greatest challenger is the child of his hated rival (and gold-medal beneficiary) Dieter Ver Boten (Paul Rudd), Dex triumphantly—and comically—puts the Speedo back on to finally bring home the gold. Along the way, the pair get some help from Biscuit's sexy mom (Christina Applegate) and the cantankerous coach (Donald Sutherland) Dex abandoned years before.

Tight Lines and Lunkers: The Saga of Denny Ray Dwyer
In the early 90s world of high-stakes professional bass fishing, Denny Ray Dwyer (Ferrell) is king. With his trademark mullet and riotous Fu Manchu mustache, Denny Ray slays the ladies and the fish alike. But when Vietnamese fishing phenomenon Phe Nom (Justin Long) hits the Pro Bass tour, it could spell the end of Denny’s reign at the top. At the urging of his best bud, Shakespeare (Luke Wilson) and girlfriend Darlene (Leslie Mann), Denny Ray embarks on a slapstick trek to Nepal in search of legendary fly-fishing guru Sudsy McNibbles (Bryan Cox). On a sacred mountain lake, Sudsy teaches Denny Ray the ancient secret of how to become one with the fish. But will it be enough to help Denny Ray beat Phe Nom at the first ever Bass Fishing World Series?


Roshambo!
In 1982, Chip Cranberry (Ferrell) is just another humorously pony-tailed and wispy-bearded slacker living in his parent's basement. But then something magical and side-splitting happens—the greatest Rock Paper Scissors run in history. His unbeaten streak starts small—winning shotgun, claiming the last slice of pizza—but eventually grows into a global phenomenon that has the entire world asking, “when will Chip lose?” As the stakes get higher and the limelight grows hotter, Chip finds himself changing, much to the dismay of his best friend Clem (Vince Vaughn) and Valley Girl squeeze Monica (Christine Taylor). Nevertheless, Chip manages to ride his roshambo streak all the way to the World Series of Rock Paper Scissors, where he faces ruthless defending champion Tehachapi "Rock" Chang (Jon Heder) and learns what’s really important in life.


Winner Skinner Chicken Dinner
Fast-talking grifter Skinner MacGuffin (Ferrell) travels the 1930s-era deep south with Mortimer, a neurotic, tic-tac-toe playing chicken (voice of Owen Wilson). After seducing the wrong woman (Isla Fischer) with his charm, attitude and hilarious Amish beard, Skinner runs afoul of Louisiana crime boss "Cher" Gastineau (David Koecher). Backed into a corner, Skinner is forced to enter Mortimer into the World Series of Underground Cock Fighting. Skinner and Mortimer use their smarts, along with every comical trick in the book, to advance to the finals against Gastineau’s six-time champion rooster, El Gallo del Diablo (voice of Ben Stiller). When they learn the final is to the death, Skinner and Mortimer set into motion the only thing that can save their skins—a devilishly clever and zany long con!


Les Justes
In an adaptation of Albert Camus' most thought-provoking novel, Ivan “Yanek” Kaliayev (Ferrell) and his trusted band of Socialist Revolutionaries—including Boris (Daniel Day Lewis), Alexis (Davis Thewlis) and Dora (Cate Blanchett)—plot to assassinate the Grand Duke Romanov (Gary Oldman) at the dawn of the 20th century. But when given the opportunity to bomb the Grand Duke’s carriage and finally end the Tsarist tyranny that has broken the spirit of their beloved nation, Kaliayev finds himself unwilling to take the lives of Romanov’s young niece and nephew. This unexpected show of mercy puts Kaliayev at odds with his comrades and sets into motion a harrowing exploration of the righteousness and morality of blood letting.


The Royal Flush
Before no-limit poker was played on TV, it was played in the smoky back room of Las Vegas’ Lucky Star casino. And in 1970, nobody played better than the larger-than-life Royal Brammer (Ferrell). Behind his familiar cowboy hat, aviator sunglasses and uproarious bushy beard, Brammer has bluffed and beaten ‘em all—including his best friends Chip Sizzler (Paul Rudd) and Briarpatch Sampson (John C. Reilly). When the crooked owner of a new casino (James Caan) tries to muscle the Lucky Star out of business, Brammer goes "all in" by outlandishly challenging him to a Super Bowl of Poker—with the loser closing up shop and leaving town!

I Ever Tell You About the '62 Pro Bowl? (Part 3)

(For part 2, click http://thelovingcudgel.blogspot.com/2008/01/did-i-ever-tell-you-about-62-pro-bowl_31.html)

So I drove. I never took my eyes off the road ahead of me. Every few minutes Train would hiss out a “left, bitch” or “right, motherfucker,” and each time, I would turn the Ford without so much as a glance in his direction.

I drove to a part of L.A. I never knew existed. After twenty minutes or so, the road turned to dirt. The liquor stores and pawn shops dried up, along with the junkies and hopheads and the cheap, greasy whores. There was nothing out there but scrub brush and dead, leafless trees. The sight of the headlights dancing on those woods ran a tingle up my spine, one I hadn’t felt since the Imjin River in ’51. I remember looking up at those trees and down at the white knuckles of my hands on the wheel. And I felt fear, boy. Real fuckin’ fear.

Night Train rolled the window down and suddenly I could hear the distant sound of voices and music, rollicking negro horns and pianos blasting through the trees on top of the heavy boom of metal drums. It was faint at first but grew loud quickly—we could hear yelling and the crash of wood on wood and the sick thump of bodies against one another. Suddenly a POP! POP! POP! rang out. There were screams and the music began to build.

“Yeahhhhh,” Night Train said softly and he began tensing up, almost shivering in his seat. “We gon’ have some fun tonight, motherfuckers. Yeahhhh….”

There was a bend in the road up ahead and on the other side of the turn the night was glowing yellow and red as if on fire. Shadows danced in an out of the light as the car eased up to the turn.

POP! POP! POP!

“Uhhhhhhh,” the Train moaned with his eyes closed tight while stroking the thin stocking on his left leg. Daddy whimpered in the back seat and when I glanced in the mirror I saw the face of a terrified child.

The bend in the road was getting closer—whatever was on the other side was just seconds away. The music was pounding now and the shadows writhed grotesquely on the trees in front of us. I looked left and saw an embankment down into the woods. In the light I couldn’t make out how steep it was or far it went down. Suddenly, the Train bolted upright, as stiff and rigid as a tackling sled. In one furious motion he pulled the razor and turned to face me. I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but the world outside seemed to freeze.

Let me tell you pissants something. I’ve seen things in my life. You understand me? I was at Yultong Bridge. I stormed Chosin Reservoir. I fought at goddamn Inchon. But I never saw anything as awful as Night Train Lane in that moment.

His face…it wasn’t human. His gauzy yellow eyes were rolled up in his head and his sinister grin was like something from the bad parts of the Bible. He threw his head back and opened his mouth wide, impossibly wide. He slid his pink tongue over his jagged teeth and drew the blade across it. His mouth filled with blood. He shuddered and let it run out the corners of his mouth, down the front of his shirt. Daddy was moaning now “nonononononononono.” Train lifted that blade up again and it was like I snapped out of a trance. The car was hurtling towards the bend, the noise on the other side deafening. I threw open the door and lunged out of the moving Ford. I felt something graze the back of my neck, as soft and gentle as a Korean whore.

I hit the ground rolling. The embankment was steeper than I thought, and I crashed down through rotted trees and dank, poison-smelling mud. When I stopped rolling, I jumped up like a rabbit and ran. I had no idea where I was or which way I was headed, but I wasn’t resting until I got there. I just ran as hard and fast as I could. As I tore through those woods, I noticed a warm tickle running down my backbone. I touched the back of my neck and suddenly felt a searing pain. Even in that moonless night I could see the blood on my hand. The cut on my neck was deep and wide, like the grin of a mean, black cat. As I ran and pulled my shirt off to staunch the bleeding, I swear heared the faint, distant sound of the Train laughing as the music faded into the dark of night.

I skipped practice the next day and the Dutchman benched me for the big game as punishment. I sleepwalked through two more seasons, and whenever we played the Lions I managed to sprain my ankle or pull my groin the week before. I’m not ashamed to admit it. In ’63, Big Daddy caught his devil dose and rode the mainline express to the sky. I didn’t bother showing up for his service.

I haven’t ever been back to Los Angeles and I never saw Night Train again. I watched his induction ceremony in ’73 on the TV in a little shitbox bar in Reno. I remember I shivered at the sight of him. When he crossed his legs and his plaid pants rode up over his ankles, I saw a slender but unmistakable bulge in his sock.

I stood up, paid my tab and walked quickly out into the light of day.