Rehab Clinic to Miley Cyrus: “We’ll Be Waiting For You.”

Malibu, CA – In a rare advance display of concern and support, officials from prominent celebrity addiction treatment center Promises of Malibu issued a public statement assuring 16-year-old sensation Miley Cyrus they’ll be ready and waiting to serve her upcoming rehabilitation needs.

Promises, which charges up to $50,000 a month for inpatient services, became nationally known after hosting celebrity addicts like Robert Downey Jr., Matthew Perry, Charlie Sheen, Britney Spears and, in 2007, notorious former child star Lindsay Lohan.

"We want Ms. Cyrus to know that no matter what her future addictions may be – alcohol, drugs, sex, food or any conceivable combination thereof – Promises of Malibu will have a room on hold,” announced executive director Barry Horvath. “We know how harsh the limelight’s glare can be, yet we also understand the sheer emptiness its foreseeable fading leaves. When Ms. Cyrus tires of filling that void with Grey Goose, heroin and illicit, videotaped sex, we’ll be waiting to help her start the healing process.”

By using celebrity behavior-modeling software and analyzing variables such as entertainment trends, economic indicators and fluctuating street drug prices, Promises expects the tween star to check into their lavish facility via court order in mid-June of 2013.

Cyrus, currently in the midst of a sellout 70-city tour, became internationally famous as the lead in Hannah Montana, a Disney Channel sitcom that ranks among the highest rated kids’ shows of all time. Her superstar status isn’t just limited to the stage or small screen - she has released two hit albums and her 3-D concert film opens next week.

"It's a schedule and inevitable career arc that would—and will—ruin even the most well adjusted child,” notes Horvath. “And that’s not even taking into account that we're talking about the daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus.”

Although such such advanced bookings are unusual, Horvath admitted the facility had also blocked out rooms for the younger two Jonas Brothers, Elle Fanning and "the mohawked Jolie-Pitt kid." When asked about the sons of Britney Spears and the unborn child of her 16-year-old sister, Jamie Lynn, Horvath offered his somber professional opinion: "It's too late for them."